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hey guys.. i wrote this on may 14..

this is all just dawning on me all over again -- we had countless days and hours ahead of us, but, due to some cruel mismanagement of destiny, he'd had to leave. it's as if my life it just a big, cruel joke, and there's just no escaping the punchline.

i feel a sick pressure in my stomach like someone just punched me in the gut. my eyes are stinging from all of the unshed tears, for all the what-ifs and could've-beens. my breathing is turning shallow; i try to keep from crying. our names were written on the same dang list, for hundreds of activities we were supposed to do together. it just proves the ton of things we have in common. Junior year was supposed to be MY year, my best year ever. FATE..curse you..why?..why?.. it's so much fresh pain, fresh regret to realize it over and over again.

our lineup: endless hours of practicing declamation pieces, extemporaneous speeches.. --they sound heavenly to me. a heaven that once was so close, now melted away from my arms. i feel the urge to cry again. and now this -- an EXCLUSIVE debating workshop for three whole days away from home, for whole hours, now gone forever. we had a future; HAD being the operative word. my nose warms up and turns scarlet, initiating my now blurred eyes to release my diamond tears.

moment of reconciliation: on 2011. argh. my cheeks bloom into a pretty shade of rose, but i am not in the disposition to appreciate it. there are holes in my heart. one left behind by v, and the other, just a small hole, seemingly increasing every time i feel the painful whip of memories and regret as a fresh slap in the face.

i break down, neck bent, shoulders slumped, and wet, silent, painful tears streaming down my face.